The birds and bees talk

[MLCKAA 415]

My boy is 12 and he’s getting the talk next Saturday.  I know he had a presentation about reproduction at school, but that’s not enough.  He’s an extremely protected and naive kid, but I know he hears stuff at school from other kids.

 I’m planning to go all out with this and cover everything— fellatio, cunnilingus, nicknames for parts and acts, the gays, the transies, pron, whacking it, etc.

What did you geeks do?

[MTSkiBum 1,601]

I still have a few years before we have to figure this out.

 

My parents never had the talk with me, i guess they were too embarrassed. 

[RaiderHaters Revenge 3,620]

I started talking to my son this year, he's 10, he already knows about the alphabet group, so we are just making it light and giving him a little info at a time

best thing he said

dont worry dad, I am straight as an arrow

 

[frank 2,155]

Everything I need to know, I learned from Iron Maiden. 

[BunnysBastatrds 1,938]

 Never go into battle with out your helmet on.

[Cloaca du jour 2,073]

Never stick it in crazy

[Utilit99 4,099]

Teach him how to recognize manic depressives. This is key. 

[Hardcore troubadour 12,813]

I’m just going to tell him to ask an upperclassman. Sophomore and up. 

[MLCKAA 415]

38 minutes ago, RaiderHaters Revenge said:

I started talking to my son this year, he's 10, he already knows about the alphabet group, so we are just making it light and giving him a little info at a time

best thing he said

dont worry dad, I am straight as an arrow

 

Hoping to hear something similar 

[DonS 3,082]

Two in the pink, one in the stink.

[BufordT 372]

Making love is like Chinese dinner, it ain’t over until you both get your cookies. 

[wiffleball 4,658]

Well, being catholic, my sex talk came in latin.

[DonS 3,082]

10 minutes ago, wiffleball said:

Well, being catholic, my sex talk came in latin.

And also on your face... 

[wiffleball 4,658]

4 minutes ago, DonS said:

And also on your face... 

I used the communion wafer to scrape it off like spinach dip.

[DonS 3,082]

1 minute ago, wiffleball said:

I used the communion wafer to scrape it off like spinach dip.

Did you wash it down with the wine?  

[wiffleball 4,658]

1 minute ago, DonS said:

Did you wash it down with the wine?  

But of course. I find that Zinfandel is best to cut the saltiness.

[KSB2424 3,085]

9 hours ago, MLCKAA said:

What did you geeks do?

I have a 13 year old whom I had the talk last year, was planning a bit earlier but it was during Covid and he was home all the time, not in school so whatever.  My dad did this and I copied it.  Pro tip:  Take little MLCKAA for a drive, have him the front seat and just drive around and have the talk.  That way neither he nor you have to stare each other in the eye.     It does make the conversation less wierd in a vehicle.  To be fair I've had a bunch of great conversations with my kids whilst driving, not sure but I think they feel more comfortable and nobody can run away.  

[BunnysBastatrds 1,938]

 Birds eat bees and the  knees don’t lie. 

[wiffleball 4,658]

BLumpkin, Cleveland steamer, Cincinnati chili....

 

Best fuel up that tank.

[BunnysBastatrds 1,938]

 Freshman. Get ‘em while they’re skinny. 

[wiffleball 4,658]

Might want to explain to your kid why there's a time and a place for oral sex. And that time and place is not behind the wheel while you're driving head first into a FedEx truck.

 

https://nypost.com/2022/06/03/oral-sex-sends-florida-man-crashing-into-fedex-truck/

[Pimpadeaux 2,290]

My mom just tossed me a book that had cartoons of cutout chickens and dogs focking, with one of the last pages a dude on top of a woman with the blankets pulled over.

I was in fourth or fifth grade and already know how babies were made, but this book was focking hilarious. 

I think this is it:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Babies-Made-Steven-Schepp/dp/1626541043

[wiffleball 4,658]

When I was in high school, the girls all got together apparently of some sort of meeting and decided collectively that bj****** were gross, you couldn't have vaginal sex because then you wouldnt be a virgin for your wedding, so they all agreed that butt sex was A okay.

F****** outstanding.

 

Little did we know that if you years later, the only time we get that was our birthday or anniversary.

[wiffleball 4,658]

By the way, and I'm not kidding about this, you can Google it yourself. California has just very recently decided that bees are fish.

 

Swear to Christ. 

 

Well f***, if boys are girls and adults are children and cats are dogs, then bees are fish. What the f***.

[TimmySmith 2,782]

The school brought in yer mom. 

[Kopy 493]

Don't marry crazy!!!

 

[DonS 3,082]

3 hours ago, TimmySmith said:

The school brought in yer mom. 

Made me think of this Monty Python skit.  NSFW.  Educational since the clip has Spanish subtitles on for some reason.

 

 

[DonS 3,082]

13 hours ago, wiffleball said:

By the way, and I'm not kidding about this, you can Google it yourself. California has just very recently decided that bees are fish.

 

Swear to Christ. 

 

Well f***, if boys are girls and adults are children and cats are dogs, then bees are fish. What the f***.

https://www.foxnews.com/us/california-court-bumblebee-fish-environmental-law

 

[jerryskids 5,268]

Be a gentleman.  Use a clean cloth for the chloroform.   

[vuduchile 1,941]

I gave my sons a book and we talk about things pretty openly.  They're not sexually active yet, but they're probably close.  

 

 

Internet porn, pics of private parts and sexting are harder to navigate.

"Ok son, porn is everywhere, but don't ever look at pics of underage girls.  That's illegal."

Ok.  Only look at naked adults.  Got it.

"But, it's not appropriate for you to have sexual relations with an adult.  That's illegal."

Can I have sex with girls my age?

"Yes"

So, lemme get this straight.  I can have sex with someone my age, but CAN'T look at her naked pics.  And, I can't have sex with an adult, but I CAN look at her naked pics.  Is that right?

"Well, technically, no.  Most porn sites require you to be 18"

How do they know?

"You have to click a butt......nevermind.   Just use a Victoria's Secret Catalog or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.

You mean this?

https://swimsuit.si.com/swimsuit/model/maye-musk

"Go talk to your mom."

 

 

 

 

[wiffleball 4,658]

So, not to get all serious, but I would definitely emphasize no means no. At any time in the process, she can say no and it is full stop. 

[BunnysBastatrds 1,938]

On 6/3/2022 at 9:22 AM, frank said:

Everything I need to know, I learned from Iron Maiden. 

 Die With Your Boots On or Run To The Hills? 

[TommyGavin 790]

Don’t make me a young grandfather 

[BunnysBastatrds 1,938]

32 minutes ago, TommyGavin said:

Don’t make me a young grandfather 

 Haaaaa!!! Said the same thing to little Bunny. 

[Alias Detective 1,182]

 Birds and birds and  Bees and bees along with birds that think their bees and vice versa.  That’s the new way.

[peenie 1,699]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CeFH57hJVSe/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[jerryskids 5,268]

On 6/3/2022 at 7:07 AM, MLCKAA said:

My boy is 12 and he’s getting the talk next Saturday.  I know he had a presentation about reproduction at school, but that’s not enough.  He’s an extremely protected and naive kid, but I know he hears stuff at school from other kids.

 I’m planning to go all out with this and cover everything— fellatio, cunnilingus, nicknames for parts and acts, the gays, the transies, pron, whacking it, etc.

What did you geeks do?

This seems like a lot of info; more like a semester-long curriculum than a single sitting.  And he's going to just think "ewww" to a lot of it.

I would explain about puberty and how it's going to feel different down there, in a very good way, and that that is normal, and playing with it is normal, and that semen will come out and it will feel so good that you will never want to do anything else again, but the rest of us need the bathroom so you need to pace yourself. (you can turn this into an actual serious message)

Also explain that as you get older you'll date girls and you'll touch each other in similar ways, but only if you really like each other.  Also wiff's "no means no" is good advice.

I would skip details about fellatio etc., that's a graduate-level class.

[Alias Detective 1,182]

1 hour ago, jerryskids said:

 

I would skip details about fellatio etc., that's a graduate-level class.

What college did your spouse attend?

[jerryskids 5,268]

14 minutes ago, Alias Detective said:

What college did your spouse attend?

U Porn

[DonS 3,082]

2 hours ago, jerryskids said:

I would skip details about fellatio etc., that's a graduate-level class.

Would the Dirty Sanchez and Donkey Punch talk be doctorate level then?