I think I've hit the Great Wall

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

I seriously think I might be cracking up. More than usual I mean.

 

For the last few weeks I've been very happy. Like annoying, singing and strutting happy.

 

Yesterday, a couple of minor incidents happened. Nothing too major, just some vehicle trouble and some girl trouble. Normal sh!t.

 

I focking lost it. For the last day, I seem to have no control over my emotions. I either get ridiculously angry at nothing, like screaming at people in traffic. Or I just break down, crying, hands shaking, the whole bit. The latter has fortunately been confined to private thank god.

 

Things that I usually find amusing, or ignorable, are really bothering me. Being pointed at in the street. Being talked about at restaurants (I know enough Chinese to understand it now.) most days I like the attention, or just ignore it. Today it is really getting under my skin. I'm walking around with headphones, hood, and sunglasses. My own little sensory deprivation chamber.

 

I've managed to pull my sh!t together and make it through my work day. I'm supposed to go to a Chinese friend's birthday party tonight, but the thought just makes my skin crawl. Nobody in the room will speak English. I will be trotted out like the dancing monkey to perform. I just don't have it today.

 

My history of issues with anxiety and depression are well documented here. But I really don't know what is wrong with me. I know in my conscious mind that I am acting crazy. But I can't seem to change it. Fortunately, Chinese people think we act crazy anyway, so nobody seems to notice, or give a sh!t anyway.

 

Anyway. Blast and mock away. I just needed to spill, and I don't have anyone here I can actually talk to, so you fockers will have to do.

[fandandy 3,313]

Kinda like this?

 

http://rs85.pbsrc.com/albums/k43/moz13socal/180px-Unabomber-sketch.png~c200

[jerryskids 6,587]

Are you on your period?

[tanatastic 2,062]

There, there.....there, there.

[Hardcore troubadour 14,975]

Jesus is pretty cool. Check him out!

[IGotWorms 4,057]

Sounds like you need a break, maybe just take it easy for a while. Yeah I know you have your job. But other than that just kinda hang low for a bit.

[Voltaire 5,205]

I don't know why you are feeling this way when you are on an extended work holiday for Chinese New Year. It should be relax time.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Kinda like this?

 

http://rs85.pbsrc.com/albums/k43/moz13socal/180px-Unabomber-sketch.png~c200

Without the faggoty mustache, but yeah. Pretty much exactly.

[naomi 356]

Andropause?

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

I don't know why you are feeling this way when you are on an extended work holiday for Chinese New Year. It should be relax time.

We went back to work this week. Work is fine. It isn't that. I mostly think I'm just lonely. And tired of focking with the language, and being different all the time. Maybe I'm homesick, I dunno.

 

Of course, there is a woman involved, and she seems to enjoy twisting the knife slowly. So that's always fun.

[fandandy 3,313]

Have you ever tried meditation? Being in China you might be able to find some pretty great teachers. Even yoga maybe? Something to consider.

[Artista 460]

Sounds like you were going 100 mph greatly entertained and having fun and now something's changed inside you can't put a finger on. Kind of like the effects of caffeine after the high. Question is what was the trigger. Fandandy has a great suggestion. I think when you come here in the summer for your visit, things will become clearer. Until then, try and hang in there my friend.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Sounds like you were going 100 mph greatly entertained and having fun and now something's changed inside you can't put a finger on. Kind of like the effects of caffeine after the high. Question is what was the trigger. Fandandy has a great suggestion. I think when you come here in the summer for your visit, things will become clearer. Until then, try and hang in there my friend.

Oh, the crash I know the cause. It is part of the expat cycle at first. There are articles about it. Euphoria followed by depression followed by leveling out. This is not the first one.

 

The difference is that I am so erratic. I'm used to depressed. Did that for years. I know how to deal with that. But at least I was stable, if not happily so.

[Chronic Husker 85]

Sounds like you understand your cycle pretty well.

 

My first advice is tell that knife twisting biotch off. You're like LeBron over there. Date around. I guarantee you'll always be able to go back to the knife twister as a side chick.

 

Also, it can't be that hard to get a Xanax script over there. If you've never taken it, it will chill your ass out and improve your attitude, significantly.

 

Mostly, you need to fock a lot more women. But the Xanax shouldn't be discarded.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Sounds like you understand your cycle pretty well.

 

My first advice is tell that knife twisting biotch off. You're like LeBron over there. Date around. I guarantee you'll always be able to go back to the knife twister as a side chick.

 

Also, it can't be that hard to get a Xanax script over there. If you've never taken it, it will chill your ass out and improve your attitude, significantly.

 

Mostly, you need to fock a lot more women. But the Xanax shouldn't be discarded.

The weirdest thing just happened. I just noticed I was walking down the street whistling. Realized I was back in a good mood.

 

I hate the thought that my mood has zero anchor to objective reality, but that seems to be the case.

 

Knife twister is actually a very sweet girl. She's just indecisive as hell, and sends a lot of mixed messages. I'm just gonna treat her as a friend unless something else happens. Chinese friends are useful if you can't read here.

 

As for Xanax, I had a script back home. But Xanax focks me up. Like shouldn't drive, noticeably impaired at work. I switched to Ativan instead. Both were a sidecar to my daily dose of Zoloft. I haven't taken anything in months. I really would prefer not to. And Xanax and Ativan are illegal here I'm told.

[Chronic Husker 85]

Wow. Not to throw your medical history out there, bro, but I've never heard of that type of reaction to zannies (or ativan).

 

You sound like you're at a real crossroads. I would find the most legit Dr. you can, explain to him/her everything, and go from there.

 

You said it's fairly normal to go through the phases you've experienced. Maybe you're in a bit of a rut and the novelty has worn off.

 

Find the best Dr you can, definitely meet more women, and if you feel the same you do now, just come back. Voltaire is cool as fock but he also has a family. You can do whatever the fock you want.

 

If you'd rather continue this via PM, cool. I'll also gladly delete the med recommendation if you want.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Wow. Not to throw your medical history out there, bro, but I've never heard of that type of reaction to zannies (or ativan).

 

You sound like you're at a real crossroads. I would find the most legit Dr. you can, explain to him/her everything, and go from there.

 

You said it's fairly normal to go through the phases you've experienced. Maybe you're in a bit of a rut and the novelty has worn off.

 

Find the best Dr you can, definitely meet more women, and if you feel the same you do now, just come back. Voltaire is cool as fock but he also has a family. You can do whatever the fock you want.

 

If you'd rather continue this via PM, cool. I'll also gladly delete the med recommendation if you want.

I don't care. It's no big deal.

 

I think honestly a lot of it is just trying to do this too fast. I have been trying to cram the language and customs in my head, and sometimes just get sick of it.

 

Probably need to adjust my mix of hanging out with foreigners and Chinese back a little bit.

[Artista 460]

One trick to lifting your mood back up pretty fast is to just smile, even if you don't feel like it.

[Frozenbeernuts 2,138]

Are you eating a lot of soy products? You need to be careful with certain foods because they decrease testosterone and increase estrogen. You are a bigger guy right? Has your chest become more sensitive at all? Getting a little more man boobish than normal? These are all signs of eating way too much food that increases estrogen, which in the Chinese culture usually means soy. Its a bad food for men so try cutting it out of your diet and see if it helps.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Are you eating a lot of soy products? You need to be careful with certain foods because they decrease testosterone and increase estrogen. You are a bigger guy right? Has your chest become more sensitive at all? Getting a little more man boobish than normal? These are all signs of eating way too much food that increases estrogen, which in the Chinese culture usually means soy. Its a bad food for men so try cutting it out of your diet and see if it helps.

I don't use soy sauce much. Other than that, I rarely have a focking clue exactly what I am eating.

 

And no, far less man boobish than usual, having lost 70 lbs. hell, I'm sure the fact that I hardly ever eat has something to do with my mood shifts. I usually eat once a day, often a pretty damn small meal at that. Then after a few days of that I'll be starving and go to a pizza place or something and stuff myself. Which takes far less to do than it used to.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

One trick to lifting your mood back up pretty fast is to just smile, even if you don't feel like it.

I know exactly how to lift myself out of the depression. For me, usually, music is the best way. Poppy happy crap.

 

The thing is, when you are depressed, you don't want to lift yourself out of it. You want to wallow in it. I have a playlist for that too.

[RLLD 4,145]

Try adderoll

[mmmmm...beer 790]

Now you know how celebrities feel. It's all bad ass at first, everyone wants to take a pic with you. Then it gets annoying. Then your that @sshole won't take pics and just wants to be alone and ignored cause you can't even go to the grocery store without getting oogled and focked with.

 

I kinda hinted at this when I mentioned extended stays in Puerto Rico. Sometimes you just want to be around folks like you so you can be anonymouse again.

[Voltaire 5,205]

I don't deal with any of this. What cured me of my depression was getting off the plane, it's all been smooth sailing other than my first marriage. My mood only changes by natural, logical reasons dictated by something good or bad happening.

 

At least TBBOM's city has a modest sized expat community. Where I'm at is a smaller city deep inland with only like ten, three being peace corps workers teaching in the local universities that rotate in and out every two years. I use this focking nightmarish place to keep me rooted and grounded.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

As it turns out, I'm sick too it appears. My roomate was complaining that it was hot in the apartment as he wore shorts. I was shivering my ass off in thermal underwear and a sweat shirt. Appears I have a good fever and I feel half drunk.

 

Hooray. I will likely go play in the People's hospital tomorrow. That will be fun.

[mmmmm...beer 790]

 

[porkbutt 892]

what's caitlyn in chinese?

 

 

 

you should start calling yourself that. holy crap

[BLS 314]

When you can't put your finger on anything specific, it's probably because everything is building up.

 

You need to take some inventory on your life in general.

Are you doing something you LOVE? (fock the money....)

Do you love where you live?

Do you find general enjoyment at work, and with the people you hang out with after work?

 

Based on a quick evaluation of your posts (IE...didn't read all of them..) I'd say you're lonely and homesick.

You should seriously consider coming home.

 

Now ask yourself, does the prospect of coming feel desirable?

If not, what's the FIRST reason why? If it's a woman, then get your a$$ home, find another chic and move on with your life.

Fock China. Trump's gonna destroy them anyway.

 

Also, suck it the fuckup you homo.

[mighty_thor 115]

I ride a commuter train to work most days and there is a group of chinese passengers who sometimes sit together and when they start talking loud, it annoys the shiit out of me. Its not the noise level, its the language, which I think is more like an annoying sound.

 

I would never like to live anywhere where I was not fluent in the language. It would drive me crazy. I don't mind visiting a place where I don't know the language, but a longterm exposure to a place where you don't understand the language has to have a psychological effect. I don't know where you are as far as the chinese language is concerned. If you just know a few phrases at this point then I could see the language barrier as a real problem for you.

[Voltaire 5,205]

what's caitlyn in chinese?

 

 

 

you should start calling yourself that. holy crap

While TBBOM's mood swings do resemble PMS, that girly-man tranny crossdresser freak show stuff is a culturally Thai thing that seems to be gaining much popularity in the US lately.

[Voltaire 5,205]

I ride a commuter train to work most days and there is a group of chinese passengers who sometimes sit together and when they start talking loud, it annoys the shiit out of me. Its not the noise level, its the language, which I think is more like an annoying sound.

 

I would never like to live anywhere where I was not fluent in the language. It would drive me crazy. I don't mind visiting a place where I don't know the language, but a longterm exposure to a place where you don't understand the language has to have a psychological effect. I don't know where you are as far as the chinese language is concerned. If you just know a few phrases at this point then I could see the language barrier as a real problem for you.

I'm so deep in the Chinese boonies that in order to have somebody to talk to in English, I had to make my own people. TBBOM though has no excuse, he has plenty of other expats available wher he lives. He does this to himself.

[cbfalcon 825]

Or I just break down, crying, hands shaking, the whole bit. The latter has fortunately been confined to private thank god.

 

 

Even if you can't confine it to private, you are lucky enough to be surrounded by people that can't open their eyes anyway. So if you keep the noise down, nobody will know.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

You are probably just getting your period.

 

I yell at people in traffic all the time. I generally hate people because 80% of the population are a-holes.

 

If you start to feel anxious out in public and things start to boil over, just do what I do - Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, drop your pants and then rock out with your c0ck out.

[Kanil 520]

Chill out and write some of that book you were talking about. That was you, right?

[BiPolarBear 483]

The fever and sickness can surely contribute to behavioral changes.

 

If I were you, I would try and simplify and center for a while. You have put yourself in a position to have an exciting an enviable life, compared to the mouth breathers ( ) you left behind. That same big change means nothing is familiar and automatic for you. Everything takes more effort and you have become conspicuous on top of that.

 

I would stay in more and read a book or two. Meditation can erase anxiety.

 

Good luck, friend.

[Mookz 1,338]

Chill out and write some of that book you were talking about. That was you, right?

 

This is nothing more than a plot device for his book.

 

 

Joking - TBBOM I have not forgotten.

[BunnysBastatrds 2,321]

Do they have clubs or meetings places for people to meet? A place you can go to to hang out with just people like yourself? If I was there I'd be interested in sitting down with just Americans and shooting the sh!t for a while. A way to get away from it all.

[MDC 7,162]

No offense but you sound to me a little manic and I thought this back when you stepped off a plane, almost immediately feel for a woman and decided she wasn't right for you in what seemed like a span of days. Maybe see a doctor about medication to help level your moods?

 

I have had lifelong issues with depression / anxiety and I swear by regular exercise: I feel better, sleep better and am generally in a better mood. If you're not already a member I highly recommend joining a gym and regular exercise 3x a week.

[posty 2,613]

I would go with that you left the United States and went to China...

[wiffleball 4,788]

When I'm feeling out of sorts, I masturbate.

 

 

Then again, When I'm feeling good, I masturbate.

 

 

Regardless, you should masturbate more frequently. It's the very best thing you can do for yourself.And your hand doesn't ask what you're thinking 2 minutes after you ejaculate.